The Flip-Side

Evenings are for rampant drug use and binge drinking, without the needles, fighting and slagging around. Well, at least in Dundee that’s the best way to spend an evening. Maybe somewhere with cafes and civilised nightlife, where the days are possible to fritter away in sun and a pleasant atmosphere, there’s more to life than kill time… But in Dundee, where there’s nothing but toil and shite, the most courageous thing one can do is get trashed enough not to think too hard, and try and not make life worse for anyone else while doing so. Going to the Reading Rooms and collapsing after a few too many cut pills is fuel for banter and an easy way to stay away from the usual bullshit Dundee night out. It doesn’t sound too civilised, but this is what the educated and intelligent of the city do for fun when it becomes abundantly apparent that anything else involves fraternising with people so mind-numbingly retarded that one would rather just about kill oneself than engage the fools in conversation. Double-dunting ketamine is perhaps the closest a West Ender could come to experiencing the ‘plight’ of the voluntary ignorant of the East. Were a West Ender (or real human person) to then sit and watch reality TV, read The Sun, and then believe the prevalent political concerns of the day, while brain-dead on Special K, then they might come close to the sheer kill-me-now, ape-like social incompetence of a typical Dundonian, which would manifest itself physically in a poor-postured, low-browed, sloped-forehead, greasy, gel-haired, spotty, Kappa and Burberry-clad, glazed expression of incomprehensible ignorance and loathing… In other words, it is theoretically possible for a decent and intelligent human being to temporarily become a Dundonian, looking and acting unfathomably unintelligent.

So, to Dundonians I ask: Could you please just stay at home and get the fuck out of the way of the decent folks with the chance of bettering the world, or better yet, jump in the Tay on a cold day and don’t climb back out.