Buy The Dog Farm
12 years ago
Friday 25 January 2008
Wednesday 16 January 2008
Welcome to Dundee
Welcome to Dundee, friend. The home of jute, jam and journalism ain’t quite what it used to be… Industry once dominated, making the city a powerhouse of the world. Dundonian money fuelled everything from slavery to exploration, but now lies in ruin, a victim of the unstoppable roll of modernisation.
So now we have technology instead, in big shiny buildings, with jobs only possible for the super-qualified. No more do we need the jute mills. Instead they become car parks, student accommodation or derelict relics of Dundee’s past.
Millions flow in for a few, compacted into one small area, and the rest becomes one great mass of sprawling filth and poverty. Of course, Dundonians are scum now and probably always were, but now we have a little core of intelligence and the rest is some mental wasteland, devoid of decency and logic.
The West End is where the university stands and sucks in the technological bounty, training, teaching and making cash that nowhere else in the city could hope to make. Consequently one area of the city is geared towards students, with coffee shops, bars where fights don’t break out every night, little shops not run by great chain stores, parks and trees and gardens, people walking about not wearing tracksuits, sneering at one another and spitting on the ground… The West End, the Perth Road bubble of Dundee, is an area through which one could walk at night unaccosted, not treading in dried vomit, listening to inane gibberish about celebrities and phoney hardships, seeing the bingo crowd, the Londons crowd, the old man pub crowd…
To see these things one would have to venture into the city centre. It’s not exactly a terrible, awful place by Dundee standards, but it’s not pretty. The people there are so stupid that if it were mercifully napalm bombed during peak shopping/ giro-collecting hours, the collective IQ of the city would barely drop a point. The shops are poor, bog-standard chain stores without character, and only an unusually high shoplifting rate to differentiate them from other Scottish cities.
At one end of the high street is the Wellgate, home of Poundland and other shite shops. Poundland is where one might go to thieve, or to part company with only a pound for the pleasure of buying something worth significantly less than label price. Poundland is also unbeatable for low wage, brutal and corrupt management, and a strict policy of racism and intolerance.
At the other end is the Overgate, made up to look nicer than the rest of the centre, but still frequented by the sort of person who should be shot simply for looking so ignorant – the chav, the ned, the mink. Whatever you want to call them, they barely qualify as human, and Dundee is so overrun with these scummy halfwits that no amount of beautification will ever undo their being. The West End figured out a good way to banish neds – Educate the people, civilise the area, and the neds will run like scared, baffled rabbits… Hopefully straight under the wheels of the nearest bus.
But if curiosity takes you and you feel the need to see a real Dundonian without straying into the overcrowded, police-patrolled, bullshit centre of town, then perhaps the outskirts are for you. The lesser known, but visibly and audibly offensive regions of Dundee must be seen to be believed.
One does assume when seeing a ned in town that it’s an act to offend any decent people nearby. But when these swine return to their sties, it becomes apparent that their homelives are as filthy as their public lives. They all look the same, live in the same flats and homes, share the same smack needles and spoons, talk the same, get the same violent buses… They should be eradicated.
From the Hilltown to Stobie to Whitfield and all around the scumbag begging tower block estates of cultural dereliction, no person is redeemable. They are lost souls, too wilfully ignorant to be acknowledged as part of humanity.
The city is theirs. Welcome to Scumdee.
So now we have technology instead, in big shiny buildings, with jobs only possible for the super-qualified. No more do we need the jute mills. Instead they become car parks, student accommodation or derelict relics of Dundee’s past.
Millions flow in for a few, compacted into one small area, and the rest becomes one great mass of sprawling filth and poverty. Of course, Dundonians are scum now and probably always were, but now we have a little core of intelligence and the rest is some mental wasteland, devoid of decency and logic.
The West End is where the university stands and sucks in the technological bounty, training, teaching and making cash that nowhere else in the city could hope to make. Consequently one area of the city is geared towards students, with coffee shops, bars where fights don’t break out every night, little shops not run by great chain stores, parks and trees and gardens, people walking about not wearing tracksuits, sneering at one another and spitting on the ground… The West End, the Perth Road bubble of Dundee, is an area through which one could walk at night unaccosted, not treading in dried vomit, listening to inane gibberish about celebrities and phoney hardships, seeing the bingo crowd, the Londons crowd, the old man pub crowd…
To see these things one would have to venture into the city centre. It’s not exactly a terrible, awful place by Dundee standards, but it’s not pretty. The people there are so stupid that if it were mercifully napalm bombed during peak shopping/ giro-collecting hours, the collective IQ of the city would barely drop a point. The shops are poor, bog-standard chain stores without character, and only an unusually high shoplifting rate to differentiate them from other Scottish cities.
At one end of the high street is the Wellgate, home of Poundland and other shite shops. Poundland is where one might go to thieve, or to part company with only a pound for the pleasure of buying something worth significantly less than label price. Poundland is also unbeatable for low wage, brutal and corrupt management, and a strict policy of racism and intolerance.
At the other end is the Overgate, made up to look nicer than the rest of the centre, but still frequented by the sort of person who should be shot simply for looking so ignorant – the chav, the ned, the mink. Whatever you want to call them, they barely qualify as human, and Dundee is so overrun with these scummy halfwits that no amount of beautification will ever undo their being. The West End figured out a good way to banish neds – Educate the people, civilise the area, and the neds will run like scared, baffled rabbits… Hopefully straight under the wheels of the nearest bus.
But if curiosity takes you and you feel the need to see a real Dundonian without straying into the overcrowded, police-patrolled, bullshit centre of town, then perhaps the outskirts are for you. The lesser known, but visibly and audibly offensive regions of Dundee must be seen to be believed.
One does assume when seeing a ned in town that it’s an act to offend any decent people nearby. But when these swine return to their sties, it becomes apparent that their homelives are as filthy as their public lives. They all look the same, live in the same flats and homes, share the same smack needles and spoons, talk the same, get the same violent buses… They should be eradicated.
From the Hilltown to Stobie to Whitfield and all around the scumbag begging tower block estates of cultural dereliction, no person is redeemable. They are lost souls, too wilfully ignorant to be acknowledged as part of humanity.
The city is theirs. Welcome to Scumdee.
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